The Thing About Grief

My debut ride on a roller coaster was unforgettable. The adrenaline, fear and nausea are etched in my memory. It was exhilarating, that was until we experienced a technical failure. We had to walk off mid-way, thankfully the adults around us were very calm, and we had navigated to a place that we could get off comfortably.

In the roller coaster of life, March is my month of hope, sunshine and Endometriosis awareness. April most times is like a crabby pitstop, it pales in comparison, it’s a grim reminder of loss, pain and fading memories. May is my happy month, my new slate. 

After an incredible adrenaline filled March, April hit me so hard this year. I run to books, I’ve been reading a novel in a day. It’s amazing how much you can do when you have to survive and keep the blues at bay. The brain is an amazing organ, able to multi-task and cushion itself from sadness. 

What sucks about grief as the years go by is that the pain morphs in to a permanent fixture. It is like the loud ticking clock in your living room, after a couple of years, you get used to the pulsing ticks and tocks. You realize that it is one with your wall. It’s hard to imagine how things would look or sound without it there.

This year, I realized that the memories that I’d held close to my heart over the years were fading, and with each stroke of the eraser of time, a part of my heart wept. I searched deep within for a tape I could rewind one more time, just to hear his voice, but there was none.

That’s the thing about grief.

When you think you’ve healed, it shows you a different side of the prism, a different angle in the diamond. As you stare at the gem that is your existence, and marvel at how far you have been carried, you can’t help but think about the murky, dirty seasons that you have been through. The puddles of tears and mud of despair and anger. 

Even in the midst of the chaos, in between the raging emotions you find a stillness. It doesn’t negate the feelings, but it reminds you to keep fighting because you are still breathing. 

I look back at the past 8 years and amidst tears I stand in awe of God. The one who never leaves the one behind. There are good days, and low days. But He is still God when we are in the valley and when we are on  the hill. 

May I never lose sight of his loving kindness towards me and those that I love. 

For those who’ve lost a loved one and are still trying to navigate the tides of grief, I pray that the Lord will draw you nigh, that you will be comforted by His embrace and His never changing nature.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalms 34:18

Nothing Takes God By Surprise

Hello 🙂

It’s so great to be back to writing after such a long time. I had really missed it.

Life had gotten intense and I needed to stop. There were attacks all around and my emotions and peace were all up in the air.

Even in the midst of back to back sickness, things falling through, unexpected miracles, disappointment and discouragement; I have learned to keep my eyes on He who is the author and perfecter of my faith.

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I must admit that I’ve not been a champ all through, no, at some point my attitude was stinking rotten. Then it hit me, (again) God doesn’t owe me anything. All that I have and all that I am is by His Grace. He is God in it all.

So here I am, comforted and encouraged by the fact that nothing takes Him by surprise.

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In the grande and mundane disappointments in life, I have learned that nothing takes Him by surprise and I am safe in His hands.

A recurrent prayer is that He will renew my mind that I may know His good, pleasing and perfect will. I refuse to move by my strength or wisdom. It is He who directs my steps.

I’d like to pray with you; if you have a specific request that you’d like me to trust God with you for, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace.

Blessings upon blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Pain Must Be Felt: Day 10

I am not a theologian or a scholar, but I am very aware of the fact that pain is necessary to all of us. In my own life, I think I can honestly say that out of the deepest pain has come the strongest conviction of the presence of God and the love of God.  ~ Elizabeth Elliot

I really admire Elizabeth Elliot’s walk with God. Her life is testimony of what God can do through pain, if you let Him. She lost not one but two husbands; she ministered to the people who killed her first husband. You can read more about her here.

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We took Miss K to the docs yesterday, she knew where we were so she was uneasy. As she gets older she is able to predict events. When she was given the jab, she wailed, till tears came out. She has two types of cries, one for attention, which is more of noise, the other one with tears when she has actually been hurt. Yesterday, she was hurt, both physically and emotionally. She gave us a look of ‘how could you?’ and her arm was a little sore. The reality is that, as much as she could have perceived our actions to be bad, the pain was necessary for her. It may seem like we didn’t protect her from pain then, but she had to feel the pain to protect her from pain later.

Hubby took her out to the balcony and comforted her as she cried. There was no ‘get over it now’ sort of speech, not at all. He just soothed her and let her go through the motions. Eventually she calmed down and kept quiet and begun waving bye at cars driving into the horizon. Such a sweetheart, this little one.

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Pain must be felt.

In our own lives, we must give ourselves room to feel the pain, because it hurts. We can choose to overlook it, but that will not take away it’s power. Also, when people are in pain, or have gone through trauma, they need time to feel. Sit in their pain, evaluate it, acknowledge that it happened; feel it. Unlike other things, there is no timeline for dealing with pain. So don’t rush anyone. As long as they are dealing and haven’t given up, they will be just fine, with God’s help. He is close to the brokenhearted. They are safe in His arms. You are safe in His arms.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

How have you been hurt recently?

Have you allowed yourself to go through the motions of the pain?

Feeling pain is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. We live and we learn.

No one is immune. It’s a part of life. Some things hurt more than others, by God’s grace we bounce back.

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Do you know someone who is heart broken? going through the motions of pain?

How can you comfort them patiently?

Pray for them. Be there for them.

The prayer of the day:

Dear Lord,

Your children’s hearts are breaking. The worries of life and unfortunate events have brought unimaginable pain their way. I pray Lord that you will be very close to them. That you will comfort the grieving family, comfort those who have been abused, comfort those who feel disappointed by your timing, comfort those who have been rejected, comfort those who have lost children, comfort those who have lost their jobs and comfort those who need your comfort.

May you be so close to the them, that above the pain, and in the midst of the pain they will hear you speak your loving words and truth to their hearts. They need you Papa, we need you; I need you. Please wipe the tears that flow down my face when I go through painful seasons, comfort my heart and show me how to forgive.

In Jesus name I pray and believe,

Amen

The song of the day:

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

P.S If you would like me to stand with you in prayer, feel free to send me an email on ess@bibi2be.com