The Thing About Grief

My debut ride on a roller coaster was unforgettable. The adrenaline, fear and nausea are etched in my memory. It was exhilarating, that was until we experienced a technical failure. We had to walk off mid-way, thankfully the adults around us were very calm, and we had navigated to a place that we could get off comfortably.

In the roller coaster of life, March is my month of hope, sunshine and Endometriosis awareness. April most times is like a crabby pitstop, it pales in comparison, it’s a grim reminder of loss, pain and fading memories. May is my happy month, my new slate. 

After an incredible adrenaline filled March, April hit me so hard this year. I run to books, I’ve been reading a novel in a day. It’s amazing how much you can do when you have to survive and keep the blues at bay. The brain is an amazing organ, able to multi-task and cushion itself from sadness. 

What sucks about grief as the years go by is that the pain morphs in to a permanent fixture. It is like the loud ticking clock in your living room, after a couple of years, you get used to the pulsing ticks and tocks. You realize that it is one with your wall. It’s hard to imagine how things would look or sound without it there.

This year, I realized that the memories that I’d held close to my heart over the years were fading, and with each stroke of the eraser of time, a part of my heart wept. I searched deep within for a tape I could rewind one more time, just to hear his voice, but there was none.

That’s the thing about grief.

When you think you’ve healed, it shows you a different side of the prism, a different angle in the diamond. As you stare at the gem that is your existence, and marvel at how far you have been carried, you can’t help but think about the murky, dirty seasons that you have been through. The puddles of tears and mud of despair and anger. 

Even in the midst of the chaos, in between the raging emotions you find a stillness. It doesn’t negate the feelings, but it reminds you to keep fighting because you are still breathing. 

I look back at the past 8 years and amidst tears I stand in awe of God. The one who never leaves the one behind. There are good days, and low days. But He is still God when we are in the valley and when we are on  the hill. 

May I never lose sight of his loving kindness towards me and those that I love. 

For those who’ve lost a loved one and are still trying to navigate the tides of grief, I pray that the Lord will draw you nigh, that you will be comforted by His embrace and His never changing nature.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalms 34:18

Cheeky Monkey Escapades

I have these lumps in my throat every time I watch Ksena climb something. She is in a phase where she just wants to climb, I need to find a good monkey bar, it will be a good exercise for both of us. She will practice her climbing and I, well, I will pray, and pray, and pray some more. That will keep me from calling out to her each time my heart skips a beat, it will also keep me from physically carrying her off the monkey bar.

She has recruited another cheeky monkey, Ky is now a climber, and they both have bumps, that look like dark potatoes on their foreheads. God forbid those become a K-squad trademark feature. I have found them on the window seal with hearts bursting with pride, while my heart was growing faint.

Do you believe in angels? I do! I also believe in miracles. I have seen these at work in our lives. You know the sound that a skull makes when it hits the ground? The loud thud that could be measured on a Richter scale, I have heard those severally and it is just by God’s grace that the girls are fine. I know that some say that children are resilient, but miracles and angels, my friends, are also very real.

The brain is an amazing organ. Isn’t it sad that we often underutilize it, yet we will have a new body in the afterlife? Miss K’s ability to remember things that happened more than half her lifetime ago blows me away. These memories are what she uses to decide if she can or can’t do something.

“When you go out to fight your enemies and you face horses and chariots and an army greater than your own, do not be afraid. The LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, is with you!

~ Deuteronomy 20:1 New Living Translation

This verse struck me earlier today. God’s character remains constant. He is not frazzled by circumstances, nothing is too difficult for Him. Our brains have the ability to store information and block it out as well, but remembering how God has carried you through situations in the past is crucial for you to go forth to new adventures.

The new adventure may seem complicated and daunting, you may feel inadequate, small and ill-equipped. Remember that God is greater than anything life may throw your way.

He is faithful. The question is, will you trust Him?

 

 

 

 

While I’m Waiting

“It is not like we are waiting on someone who doesn’t have a track record of perfection. God’s resume is good enough for us to wait on Him.” Travis Greene

This is a summary of what I have been telling my heart the last couple of days. There are seasons in life that God makes you wait, as you wait it is easy to get discouraged and wonder if God has moved.

Over the weekend, after trying to meet twice during the week and not being able to, I had a beautiful meeting with a friend. We’d not talked in length for months and it was nice to catch up over a cup of tea. I don’t take for granted the preservation of the Lord, tomorrow is not a guarantee, yet the Lord kept us long enough to share of His goodness. She shared with me how the Lord had moved in her life, as I sat on her couch my spirit leaped within me. Her testimony ignited something in me, I kept thinking to myself “That is my God! The one who moves mountains and causes walls to fall.”

Mid conversation tears rolled down my cheeks, they were a cocktail of emotions- hope, relief, and awe. She shared with me how the Lord had moved in her life, in a way that we agreed that it could only be God. Only He has a track record of doing the impossible, of moving mountains, of parting seas. It was such personal proof that God is still work in this day and age. My heart leaped within me as I was sunken on the couch, the weight of my thoughts and anxieties could not hold it down, a fire, a hope had been ignited in me. I kept thinking to myself “That is my God! The one who moves mountains and causes walls to fall.”

I’ve been reading Chronicles and Jeremiah and God is a force to reckon with, He is God, not a man that He should lie or walk in confusion. As I read it this time, the scenes played in my mind, and I kept telling myself, “Look at God!” and as I sat there, I saw the handprint of God.

My prayer has been Habbakuk 3:2 (NLT)

I have heard all about you, LORD. I am filled with awe by your amazing works. In this time of our deep need, help us again as you did in years gone by. And in your anger, remember your mercy.

God is all powerful, there is nothing too difficult for Him! I believe and I will trust in Him. I still believe what my eyes can’t see.

This song by Travis and Chandler is on repeat, it is such an encouragement to me to keep waiting on the Lord and to trust in Him.

I know that I am not the only one whose faith falters. It is nice to read of the works of the Lord in the Bible, but sometimes you want someone to tell you what God has done for them in 2017. I would like to use this platform to encourage others, if you have a testimony that you would like to share with others, please send me an email via bibi2bee@gmail.com and I will publish it for the glory of His name.

For you who is waiting, I pray that this will be your testimony as you wait.

While I’m waiting I’m getting stronger
My faith is rising, and I will run on
While I’m waiting I’m lifting up on wings as eagles
I believe, I will trust in You

 

 

Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus Part 2

I’m back with good news 🙂

Mid last year I posted about my struggle to find a place to fellowship with the girls. It got to place that I stopped struggling and decided to sit at home, also because I didn’t hear back from anyone in Mombasa.

Earlier this year, the desire to search again was reignited, so we started hunting again, but we didn’t quite find a fit for our ‘not yet three’ year old. When I was on the verge of giving up again, I prayed and told God that I would try once more and if it didn’t work out (read: I didn’t find a good fit), I was taking a(nother) long break. I wanted a sign that this was where we were supposed to be.

But God, answers prayers and He directs our paths ( if we let Him). When I went to this church, the person who greeted me said exactly what I had been asking the Lord. It later turned out that we were each other’s answer to prayer. I am in awe of the Lord we serve. I was reminded to remain obedient and allow the Lord to order my steps for the glory of His name. If we remain fluid, He will channel us where we need to go.
prov 21I don’t know how long we’ll be here and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to live in the season and learn and grow where I am. Children’s Ministry here I come. Through this all I can see His hand, I know that through pregnancy and motherhood, God changed me. He gave me a heart for children. Who would’ve thought I’d be writing children’s books or even serving with Children.

 

Here’s to an unknown adventure with a known God.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

 

 

The Crucible Project: Where Lives Were Changed

Something amazing happens when a man has an encounter with God.

About a week ago, I attended a very interesting graduation. There were no gowns, caps and tassels. But, there were certificates awarded to the men graduating and heartwarming, inspiring stories from the ladies in their lives.

Late last year, my husband was told about the Crucible Project. Being the curious wife I am, I quickly searched for more information on the website ( Thank God for the internet). The website described the program but didn’t really give details. And I wanted details. I wanted to know that on day one they will do a, b, c, d . You’d really think that I was the one attending this camp, but in my defense, we are one :).

I’ll have you know that even now, after Peter has attended it, I don’t know much more than the website tells you. And I am okay with that. Because what I do know, is that God was there, and I can see the change.

israels-god-is-god-a-changed-man-genesis-33120-5-638.jpg

The graduation was simple and amazing. It was really great to hear how different men had encountered God. Better still, how the women in their lives had seen the change. You cannot encounter God and remain the same. Something deep within changes, if you let it.

It is not about the mechanics of the camp, but about the encounter that they each had. The conditions at camp were standard but the men all left with something different. The common factor is that God had met them and that encounter had changed their lives forever.

tumblr_mt2ivvxpd21qb09mzo1_500

God longs to meet with us, love on us and change us. Sometimes we need to take time out from our busy schedules and spend uninterrupted time with him. This is exactly what the Crucible Project was for these men.

To the Crucible Project team, may the Lord bless you and keep you, may He cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace. May He satisfy you with Himself and grant you grace and strength to continue serving Him. Crossing oceans to come to Kenya was not in vain, lives have been changed, for the glory of the Lord’s name.

As I write this, Miss Ky are singing to this song on repeat. Death couldn’t hold him down. There is no situation too dead that the Lord cannot resurrect.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Please Don’t Touch My Neck

131_1198_5-30

Every evening after 5:30pm, Miss K asks where her daddy is. Then informs us that he is coming home. She still can’t read a clock, but her body knows it’s evening. Miss Ky on the other hand, knows when it’s time to shower. 6pm is the time. If you delay it by ten minutes, she starts crying; then she starts wailing. And then you deeply regret delaying her shower time.

She loves the water. I can’t wait to start baby swimming with her in a few weeks. She kicks and smiles in the water. It’s such a delight to watch. All is well until you try to clean her neck. She’s figured out how to tuck her chin into her chest and keep her neck out of bounds. But her neck needs to be cleaned. After hosting a  mixture of sweat, spit up and peeling skin, it must see some water and soap. A wet wipe cannot work. She must shower.

Yesterday, as I washed her neck, my spirit was prompted to ask which areas of  my life I refuse the Lord to cleanse, yet they need to be cleaned. It’s easy to judge Ky, but I am like her. For one reason or another, I resist the Lord’s efforts to clean. I too have a smelly, sticky ‘neck’. One that cannot benefit from spraying some perfume.

I’m convicted to allow the Lord to cleanse me that I may be clean. It may feel awkward or inconvenient, but the cleansing is necessary. I pray that every time I clean her neck, I will remember to let the Lord cleanse my neck.

What is your neck? Which part of your life do you resist Him from touching? Would you let the Lord cleanse it today and everyday? 

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Broken Telephone: Shattered Screens and Realized Dreams

Tuesday 27th September 2016

The following events take place between 3:26am and 6:26am

3:26am

I wake up to check the monitor and realize that I need to adjust something in Miss K’s room. As I get up, I notice that my phone is low on charge, and decide to charge it on the other side of the room. As I bend and look for the cable, the phone falls, lands on the floor screen first and the screen shatters.

I say to myself, “What a start to a day!” Wait? Does 3:27am even count as a start to my day? It’s more like an intermission. I was planning on running back to bed and sleeping. I start to wonder if I really needed to charge my phone at that time. Thoughts of regret course through my mind. I’ve been here before, not so long ago actually. It was such a long process to get a new screen the last time, due to unavailability of screens in Mombasa. In Nairobi, it was only one guy who had it. I found him after weeks of searching. Sigh.

3:40am

I have thought about it long enough and the conclusion is the same; what’s done is done. So I pick up my bible and prayer books and head to the sitting room. After all, hubby usually says that if you wake up at 3am, it’s time to pray.

3:45am

It is such an inconvenient time for my phone to break. Yes, I’m still on this vibe, now I’ve just decided to tell God how disappointed I am. But there is only so much crying over spilt milk one can do, so I let that be and start to read God’s word. I start with 2nd Thessalonians and finish with 1st Thessalonians. In the process, my heart is left encouraged. Nowhere does it mention broken screens 🙂 but I know that there is more to life than the comfort of intact screens.

4:30am

I might as well write now that I am fully awake. I have been meaning to put together a work book that will help me teach Ksena shapes, letters, numbers, sizes, and God’s truth as we craft and sing. So I start writing, rather, I start drawing and it begins to flow.

By now, I am no longer sleepy. Though I know this sleep will catch up with me later in the day. At least I will have something to show for it.

I pour myself a cup of tea and continue writing. The satisfaction and joy builds in my heart with every sip I take and every letter I type.

6:00am

The book is almost done and I realize WOW!!! I love to teach this little girl and I would love to teach other children God’s truth. My desire to have a bible study here in Mombasa has not quite taken off, but this book can help other mums teach their children and have fun while at it.

6:10am

I should try get an hour of sleep, but first, I decide to write this blog post to be published later.

My heart is full. This workbook is one of my writing and teaching dreams on paper. It will help me to be intentional about teaching Ksena. Also, I love the fact that it integrates God’s truth with the basic things of life. It’s simple and fun. It’s intentional. This book has four lessons, you can spread each lesson over a week, so it should last you a month. Book 2 is already running through my mind.

I want to upload it on this blog so that people can download it. I am not quite sure how to do that just yet, but I am sure I will find a way. If you’d like to help out in this little project, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com .

If you would like to receive this book via email when I’m done with it this week, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and I will send you a copy.

Would I have woken up to write without my screen breaking? Let’s just say that sometimes God gets our attention loud and clear. I’ve been playing broken telephone for a long time, regarding this and other projects. Looks like this time the phone actually broke.

Here’s to keeping screens intact longer, heeding the Lord’s call and executing the dream.

6:26am

I finally sprint to bed for that extra hour of sleep. A bitter sweet start to the day, but I’m definitely dwelling on the sweet part.

Have a blessed day,

Bibi2be