Where Hard Is Too Soft A Word

Hard is too soft a word to describe this season ~ C.K

When she said these words, I sent her a virtual hug, because she got it. She understood that my current vocabulary was not articulating the depth, weight and sheer darkness of this season.

What is the theme of this season? you ask. Well, it feels somewhere in between ‘The semicolon’ and ‘When God puts you on pause’ and ‘Sometimes faith has growing pains.’

The number of ‘Wuehs’ that this season has necessitated is uncountable. It has been the exclamation when the diagnosis has thickened, when I have felt like God is quiet, when I have felt at the end of my strength, and when I have realised just how many of us are struggling out here.

I have loved typing since I was a little girl. I am part of the generation that missed shorthand by a few years. Though I do think it was kind of cool to write in symbols, signs and abbreviations, I can only imagine how fast journaling would be in shorthand. My 6 pages entries would be a 2 page entry. 

I got a virtual reminder that it has been 5 years since I wrote my first book, and it felt like this sweet accomplishment. This year I didn’t have writing goals as I crossed over to 2023. I think I wrote 3 books last year, and I was looking forward to louder projects. Then the strangest thing happened. This is the year that I have lost my voice, but also found my writing voice. 

The Lord has put me on pause and there is a semicolon hanging on my page, but it feels like the cursor is stuck behind the windows, and Google Chrome is threatening to kill pages if I am too impatient to wait. 

There’s what I want and where I am at. Reconciling that even in the midst of this fire, that we hope will not burn me, that God is still there. I may be looking for Him in what feels like earthquakes, but He is here in the whisper. I just need to still my heart and the thoughts that race through my brain, to hear Him speak and to feel His peace reign sovereign. 

A moment at a time is my motto. Each day has troubles and worries of its own. So each day, I am looking around and seeing the abundance of love and the fountain of grace that still abides in the midst of the storm. Keeping my eyes on He who never changes, and walking through the storm while on water, by His grace. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33